Other things you can do with Coca Cola

Found this on Gather - the only usefull I've found on gather yet!

clipped from www.gather.com Thinking about the value of Coca Cola, I've come to the conclusion that if Coca Cola does this to battery connections and grease stains, its kind of a scary thought what it might do to my stomach. And with that thought: have a GREAT week!

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'


Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'


Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Margaret replies...

"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Good Looking Day

YMCA

Legend of Frank

The Legend of Frank,

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi that was just
going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened
like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole
street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank,
he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good
and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect
gentleman! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."


Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?



Cabbie: "I married his f*cking widow."

Monkey in a Bar

A man goes into a bar with a monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ---- whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Couple's Diary Entries

Saturday 29th April 2006

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping
in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it
might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter
to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he
hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put
my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a
sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and
I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold,
and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found
someone else...

I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 29th April 2006.

Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then, gutted!
Got a shag though.

The Magician & The Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with the parrot. They stared
at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ...

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said............."OK, I give up. Where's the f**king ship?"

THE HIT MAN

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out
to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of
the newcomer.



Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling
out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."


"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This
sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour
in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I
pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in
the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot
his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save
you a grand here....."

German England Fan

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.


While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says:

"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies,

"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German B*stards"

Kiss Goodnight

Charades

Look through the corner of your eye

Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before
I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's
impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of
many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen

very

carefully

for the last time

I said.....

"BRING POSSE!"

Ray Feist's Magician goes Comic

Martin Longbow then a young Pug and Thomas behind the rock