WOMEN STRIKE BACK !!!

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How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
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How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
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How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
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How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
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How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
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How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
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How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
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What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
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What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
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What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
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What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
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What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
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What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
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What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
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How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
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Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
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Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
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Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
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What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
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What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!