Ray Feist's Magician goes Comic

Martin Longbow then a young Pug and Thomas behind the rock 

Post to Del.icio.us new window

The current Post to Del.icio.us link causes the post form to open in the current window or tab and then returns you to your previous page once you have submitted.
I prefer to still see the page I am adding so I have modified the java script.
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Wierd Serenity Song

Interesting Serenity song





got it here: Flickr Browncoats

but check out all other cool serenity vids

Spot the difference

you might have to look close, when the car come out from behind the trees


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ryjvn6otSdM

haloscan

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Quote From NCIS series 1

Kate has just tricked Tony into going and comforting to a women, who previousely humiliated him...

Gibbs: Why do women always have to try and fix things that don't need fixing?
Kate: Cos it makes us feel all warm inside...
Gibbs: So does Scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house!

political pill

What happens when you give a politician viagra?
He gets taller!

The finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts.

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the firstM illionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:"There's something big growing between my legs."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" George.

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and
I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't
you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're
here or not."
DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

WOMEN STRIKE BACK !!!

------------------------------------------
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
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How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
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How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
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How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Men Strike Back

Sorry this one's a bit sexist, i'll try and find one to even it up!
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to menuntil they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

BEER/WINE MATHEMATICS

This is cool beer/wine maths!!!!!!!

It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have a pint or a glass or two of wine. It must be more than one.
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be honest)
3. Add the number 5.
4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755. If you haven't, add 1754
6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.
You should have a three-digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have a pint week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! ~ Oh YES, they are.
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK.

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

The Husband Superstore

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors,
with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor;
if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,"Very tempting."
But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,
"This floor is empty and exists only to
prove that women are f * cking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left."

Wedding Joke

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's
and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the
reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The
police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The
fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm
with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
"Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
what happened."
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional
in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the
bride.
The judge says, "OK."
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music
kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that
the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a
sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride
an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

Love YOUR JOB??

This is just too funny. It makes our bad days look really good! The next
time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial
saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater
repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his
sister. She then sent it to a radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in Ft.
Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless
to say, she won.


Hi Sue:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so
bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
you with a few technicalities of my job.


As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a Suit to the
office. It's a wet suit and this time of year the water is quite cool. So
to keep warm we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea and heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden
hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good
plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I
get to the bottom and start working is take the hose and stuff it down the
back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of the sudden, my
butt started to itch. Of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from by back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.


When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the
fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before
could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry. When I arrived at the
surface I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the
water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a
tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the
chamber.


The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my
butt was swollen shut. So next time you're having a bad day at work, think
about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your
butt.


Now repeat to yourself - I love my job, I love my job, I love my job!

Man Utd Joke

I get a lot of these, this is one of the funniest: Jan 24, 2006

A bloke on his way into work this morning came to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself

"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks:

"Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies: "It's a Man Utd fan, he's just so depressed about losing the premiership to Arsenal last season and again to Chelsea this season, being knocked out of Europe, losing in the FA Cup final, selling out to a yank and winning naff all after gobbing off all season whilst Liverpool have won the European Cup , he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.

He says his family hates him and his mates are all laughing at him. I'm walking around taking a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the bloke "How much have you collected so far?".

"Only about a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

Letter to Alchohol

Dear Alchohol by
Jan 23, 2006
Dear Alchohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an
eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions
& hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Poignant humour

This bloke called Rob H posted this blog thread which I though was bloody funny!
I don't know if any of it came from his own experience but I couldn't ask him cos he's not allowing replies of msgs.

Sod it, here what he wrote:

A sad passing...

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the
rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.