Monkey in a Bar

A man goes into a bar with a monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ---- whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Couple's Diary Entries

Saturday 29th April 2006

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping
in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it
might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter
to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he
hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put
my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a
sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and
I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold,
and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found
someone else...

I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 29th April 2006.

Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then, gutted!
Got a shag though.

The Magician & The Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with the parrot. They stared
at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ...

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said............."OK, I give up. Where's the f**king ship?"