GreasyBlog

Other things you can do with Coca Cola

2007-04-16T19:15:00.001+01:00

Found this on Gather - the only usefull I've found on gather yet!

Thinking about the value of Coca Cola, I've come to the conclusion that if Coca Cola does this to battery connections and grease stains, its kind of a scary thought what it might do to my stomach. And with that thought: have a GREAT week!

Cowboy Boots

2006-12-09T14:47:00.000Z

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!'

To which Margaret replies...

"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

Good Looking Day

2006-12-09T14:42:00.000Z

YMCA

2006-12-09T14:41:00.000Z

Legend of Frank

2006-12-09T14:26:00.000Z

The Legend of Frank,

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi that was just
going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened
like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang
like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should
have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabbie: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods
to order and which fork to eat them with.
He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole
street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank,
he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good
and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing
was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect
gentleman! He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?

Cabbie: "I married his f*cking widow."

Monkey in a Bar

2006-08-02T01:42:00.000+01:00

A man goes into a bar with a monkey.
He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table ---- whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little devil. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Couple's Diary Entries

2006-08-01T16:02:00.000+01:00

Saturday 29th April 2006

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping
in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it
might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter
to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go
somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, he
hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put
my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a
sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and
I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold,
and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found
someone else...

I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:
Saturday 29th April 2006.

Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then, gutted!
Got a shag though.

The Magician & The Parrot

2006-08-01T01:52:00.000+01:00

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same
tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each
week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under
the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all,
the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the
middle of the sea, as fate would have it .. with the parrot. They stared
at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days ... and then 3 days ...

Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and
said............."OK, I give up. Where's the f**king ship?"

THE HIT MAN

2006-07-29T14:23:00.001+01:00

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out
to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing, enjoyed the game and the company of
the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling
out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can
I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This
sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.

Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour
in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I
pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife; she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in
the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot
his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the golfer impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save
you a grand here....."

German England Fan

2006-07-29T14:23:00.000+01:00

A German family head out one Saturday to do some shopping.

While in the sports shop the son picks up an England football shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an England supporter and I would like this for my birthday."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

So off goes the little lad with the white and red football shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday". The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head twice and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the football shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad?"

"Yes son?"

"I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for my birthday."

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head 4 times and says:

"No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they're all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says; "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"

The son says, "Yes dad I have."

"Good son, what is it?"

The son replies,

"I've only been an England supporter for an hour and already I hate you German B*stards"

Kiss Goodnight

2006-07-25T03:00:00.000+01:00

Charades

2006-07-25T02:59:00.000+01:00

Look through the corner of your eye

2006-07-25T02:56:00.000+01:00

Lone Ranger

2006-07-25T02:47:00.000+01:00

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour
of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before
I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's
impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The following
morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of
many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse.....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

"Listen

very

carefully

for the last time

I said.....

"BRING POSSE!"

Ray Feist's Magician goes Comic

2006-05-30T01:59:00.000+01:00

Martin Longbow then a young Pug and Thomas behind the rock

Post to Del.icio.us new window

2006-05-29T18:11:00.000+01:00

The current Post to Del.icio.us link causes the post form to open in the current window or tab and then returns you to your previous page once you have submitted.
I prefer to still see the page I am adding so I have modified the java script.
(all one line !)

javascript:window.open
('http://del.icio.us/post?v=4;url='+encodeURIComponent(location.href)
+';title='+encodeURIComponent(document.title))()

Wierd Serenity Song

2006-05-26T20:13:00.000+01:00

Interesting Serenity song

got it here: Flickr Browncoats

but check out all other cool serenity vids

Spot the difference

2006-05-25T17:13:00.000+01:00

you might have to look close, when the car come out from behind the trees

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ryjvn6otSdM

haloscan

2006-05-21T02:05:00.000+01:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Quote From NCIS series 1

2006-05-21T01:49:00.001+01:00

Kate has just tricked Tony into going and comforting to a women, who previousely humiliated him...

Gibbs: Why do women always have to try and fix things that don't need fixing?
Kate: Cos it makes us feel all warm inside...
Gibbs: So does Scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house!

political pill

2006-05-21T01:49:00.000+01:00

What happens when you give a politician viagra?
He gets taller!

The finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...

2006-05-21T01:46:00.000+01:00

Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts.

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the firstM illionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said:"They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude:"There's something big growing between my legs."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!" George.

Marriage (Part II)

2006-05-21T01:45:00.000+01:00

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

Marriage Part I

2006-05-21T01:44:00.000+01:00

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after
the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and
I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't
you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand
that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're
here or not."
DAMM SHE'S GOOD!)

WOMEN STRIKE BACK !!!

2006-05-21T01:43:00.000+01:00

------------------------------------------
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
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How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
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How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
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How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
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How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
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How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
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How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
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What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
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What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Men Strike Back

2006-05-21T01:42:00.000+01:00

Sorry this one's a bit sexist, i'll try and find one to even it up!
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to menuntil they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

BEER/WINE MATHEMATICS

2006-05-21T01:41:00.000+01:00

This is cool beer/wine maths!!!!!!!

It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have a pint or a glass or two of wine. It must be more than one.
2. Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be honest)
3. Add the number 5.
4. Multiply it by 50 I'll wait while you get the calculator................
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1755. If you haven't, add 1754
6. Now subtract the four-digit year that you were born.
You should have a three-digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have a pint week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! ~ Oh YES, they are.
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK.

Eight Words with two Meanings

2006-05-21T01:39:00.001+01:00

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . ..... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you're never there.

He said . ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don't have time

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

The Husband Superstore

2006-05-21T01:39:00.000+01:00

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors,
with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor;
if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,"Very tempting."
But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,
"This floor is empty and exists only to
prove that women are f * cking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left."

Wedding Joke

2006-05-21T01:37:00.000+01:00

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.
To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's
and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the
reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The
police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The
fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm
with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"
The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
"Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain
what happened."
The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional
in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the
bride.
The judge says, "OK."
"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music
kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that
the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a
sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride
an unmerciful kick right between her legs."
Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"
"Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

Love YOUR JOB??

2006-05-21T01:36:00.000+01:00

This is just too funny. It makes our bad days look really good! The next
time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial
saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater
repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his
sister. She then sent it to a radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in Ft.
Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless
to say, she won.

Hi Sue:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so
bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a Suit to the
office. It's a wet suit and this time of year the water is quite cool. So
to keep warm we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea and heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden
hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good
plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I
get to the bottom and start working is take the hose and stuff it down the
back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of the sudden, my
butt started to itch. Of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from by back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the
fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before
could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry. When I arrived at the
surface I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the
water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a
tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the
chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my
butt was swollen shut. So next time you're having a bad day at work, think
about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your
butt.

Now repeat to yourself - I love my job, I love my job, I love my job!

Man Utd Joke

2006-05-21T01:34:00.000+01:00

I get a lot of these, this is one of the funniest: Jan 24, 2006

A bloke on his way into work this morning came to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself

"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks:

"Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies: "It's a Man Utd fan, he's just so depressed about losing the premiership to Arsenal last season and again to Chelsea this season, being knocked out of Europe, losing in the FA Cup final, selling out to a yank and winning naff all after gobbing off all season whilst Liverpool have won the European Cup , he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.

He says his family hates him and his mates are all laughing at him. I'm walking around taking a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the bloke "How much have you collected so far?".

"Only about a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

Letter to Alchohol

2006-05-21T01:32:00.000+01:00

Dear Alchohol by
Jan 23, 2006
Dear Alchohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an
eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions
& hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Poignant humour

2006-05-21T01:03:00.000+01:00

This bloke called Rob H posted this blog thread which I though was bloody funny!
I don't know if any of it came from his own experience but I couldn't ask him cos he's not allowing replies of msgs.

Sod it, here what he wrote:

A sad passing...

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the
rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well
intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

Alphabet

2006-02-28T04:14:00.000Z

The Alphabet a brief History
Significant things in history that changed learning:

First there was impersonation, people learn how to act from their ZPD.
Literacy comes to mind.

I'm of the oppinion that as far as learning is concerned, literacy is a bigger mile stone than speech.
I wonder how the closely related evolution of the written word and the evolution of the spoken word are?

Written word:
this page: http://www.jaars.org/museum/alphabet/people/begin.htm
Gives a pretty good over view of the evolution of language
But most of my info comes from:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egyptian_hieroglyphics then to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proto-Sinaitic_alphabet
then to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Proto-Canaanite_alphabet then http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phoenician_alphabet
alfter that there's the history of the alphabet pages

Basically around in the late 4th millenium BC ish, Sumarians developed Cuniform, apparently from the early shipping records which were pressed into the clay.

oh look there's Babylon: right in the middle of Iraq, spooky!

At the same time The Egyptians were developing hieroglyphics, in the 'game' of reading.

Not a lot really happened until the bronze age was nearly done when the Phoenician Alphabet came out.

There were bits and bobs nearer the middle of the bronze age like:
the Proto-Canaanite alphabet which was the direct predecessor of Phoenicien.
This apparently derived from the Proto-Sinaitic script in Canaan (Palestine) and the Sinai peninsula, most famously from a turquoise-mining area of the Sinai called Serabit el-Khadim (serābîţ el-xâdem)
And the Wadi el-Hol script: from further south.

Phoenicien came out around 1400 BC; Phoenicia is on the east coast of the med. Where Lebanon is.

It wasn't until the 9th Century BC when the Greek alphabet became the first true alphabet.
Unlike Phoenician the Greek alphabet had vowels.
The Etruscans somehow adapted the Greek alphabet into Etruscan letters which were later adopted by the Romans for old Latin from the 7th century BC and onwards, possibly a little help from the Cumae alphabet. This was then spread to the rest of Europe.

The plant centre for the 'One God' religions and religious war and conflict is the mother of the written word.

Interesting coincidence. Maybe God looked down and said, "they can nearly write, i'll do it all around there"

Before:

After:

Antimatter, Einstein Modified!

2006-02-16T04:48:00.000Z

"British physicist Paul A.M. Dirac revised Einstein's famous equation E=mc².

Dirac said that Einstein didn't consider that the "m" in the equation -- mass -- could have negative properties as well as positive. Dirac's equation (E = + or - mc²) allowed for the existence of anti-particles in our universe. Scientists have since proven that several anti-particles exist." : http://science.howstuffworks.com/antimatter1.htm

When matter and anitmatter collide there is an explosive reaction. This will be used to power space shuttles. The only proplem is , there isn't a lot of anti matter around, any that is dissapears when ever it meets matter.
Scientists believe that when the universe or galaxy was born there was significanly more matter then antimatter, there fore in the early stages of the universe, antimatter all but dissapear when it met matter in space.
It is believed the antimatter does exist in space, contained in magnetic clouds or nebulae?
The only wat to keep antimatter from matter is by using a magnetic field to contain it!

Learing Development: Teaching vs Propaganda

2006-02-16T04:39:00.000Z

Something came up the other day at Uni.

When we teach we are altering the way people think. Passing our own points of view to other people, as well as broadening peoples perspective, may change their perspective noticably; like propaganda!

When ever we think of propaganda we think bad things like politics and war; mainly lies! But teaching can also be the same.
In a society there are ideals: education would reflect that in order to make the populace a useful members of society. Is that still propaganda? and is it bad? and if not why not?

Maybe if the intensions are moral it's OK, like Priests: they think everyone should worship God etc. Is preaching and/or teaching from the bible religious propaganda? Is that bad?

Again maybe it depends on the intensions: if they really want to help people morally or just make money?

Cool free Developer software

2006-02-16T04:37:00.000Z

Feb 07, 2006
Software
SharpDevelop
New free .NET software. It looks like it it's more for windows forms but it's still pretty and free!
Here's the link:http://www.icsharpcode.net/OpenSource/SD/Download/

Blazix Java WebServer
This is a free stand alone web server, just unzip it to a folder and you're away.
The only problem with J2EE stuff is that the only way to get it is to install the full Sun Enterprise package, which is not good. What you need is a .jar file with the J2EE framework inside. This can be added to the classpath!
http://www.blazix.com/

What I really need to find is documentor for asp c#. The only ones I can find actually need the compiled version! All it takes is an xml parser. If had the time I'd do it my self but i'm too busy!

Real Life Monsters???

2006-02-16T04:35:00.000Z

The Camel Spider

Feb 05, 2006

This is pretty sick man!
This was an email going round when we went to Iraq with the Yanks.
Aparently, the photo on the right was taken by Yanks and emailed home with the following text:
This picture is a perfect example of why you don't want to go to the desert. These are 2 of the biggest I've ever seen. With a vertical leap that would make a pro basketball player weep with envy (they have to be able to jump up on to a camels stomach after all), they latch on and inject you with a local anesthesia so you can't feel it feeding on you. They eat flesh, not just suck out your juices like a normal spider. I'm gona be having night mares after seeing this photo!

Apparently these things, are massive, they eat meat and they hate the sun.
So what they do is they hide under camels to keep out of the sun and when they get hungry the JUMP up and flip over and catch onto the camel's gutt and take a bite! When they bite they inject their prey with a local anesthetic so the camels don't realise that they're getting eaten alive. Apparently they can jump upto headhight!
Additionally when a camel spider finds itself out of the shade, it has to run to get out of the shade. Apparently they can run upto 25mhp, and while they run there is a screaming sound, apparently caused by their legs rubbing together at high speed!
So if a camel spider was hiding in the shade near your backpack and you pick it up and walk away... it would chase you, trying to get into your shadow, al the time screaming!
That's pretty cool!

So the Yanks were waking up to these things knawing on their legs, apparently!!!

Go here and here for the real story!!!

Steve Irwin on the Endangered Coconut Crab

2006-02-16T04:34:00.001Z

Feb 05, 2006

Steve Irwin on the Endangered Coconut Crab:

"I'll tell you what guys, if you're ever seriousely concerned about an endangered species,
don't eat it, just don't eat it mate"
Steve Irwin: The Crocodile Hunter Diaries: ITV1: 13.45: 05/02/2006

Wiki-Def

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coconut_crab

COCONUT CRABS

The coconut crab is a large edible land crab related to the hermit crab, and are found in the tropical Indian and Pacific Oceans. They eat coconuts for a living! How would you like to be on an island and come across a crab that is more than 3 feet from head to tail and weighs up to 40 pounds, with a pair of large pincers strong enough to open coconuts! They can climb trees too, but they only eat coconuts that have already fallen to the ground. Coconut crab meat has been considered a local delicacy.

http://www.foodreference.com/html/fcoconutcrab.html

The Husband Superstore

2006-02-16T04:34:00.000Z

It's funny cos it's true

Jan 24, 2006

Subject: superstore
Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors,
with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor;
if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.
A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,"Very tempting."
But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,
"This floor is empty and exists only to
prove that women are f * cking impossible to please.
The exit is to your left."

Wedding Joke

2006-02-16T04:33:00.001Z

There's no foul language but younger people may not get it!

Jan 24, 2006

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's

and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the

reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The

police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The

fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm

with the use of his gavel, shouting, "Silence in court!"

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,

"Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain

what happened."

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional

in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the
bride.

The judge says, "OK."

"Well," said Paddy, "after I had finished the first dance, the music

kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that

the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a

sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride

an unmerciful kick right between her legs."

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, "God, that must have hurt!"

"Hurt?" Paddy replies. "He broke three of my fingers!"

Love Your Job

2006-02-16T04:33:00.000Z

Got this in an email

Jan 24, 2006

Love YOUR JOB??

This is just too funny. It makes our bad days look really good! The next
time you have a bad day at work think of this guy. Rob is a commercial
saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater
repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his
sister. She then sent it to a radio station 103.2 on the FM dial in Ft.
Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless
to say, she won.

Hi Sue:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so
bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a Suit to the
office. It's a wet suit and this time of year the water is quite cool. So
to keep warm we have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea and heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden
hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good
plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do when I
get to the bottom and start working is take the hose and stuff it down the
back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like
working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of the sudden, my
butt started to itch. Of course, I scratched it. This only made things
worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out
from by back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had
happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it
into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish
couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the
fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before
could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry. When I arrived at the
surface I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the
water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a
tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the
chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my
butt was swollen shut. So next time you're having a bad day at work, think
about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your
butt.

Now repeat to yourself - I love my job, I love my job, I love my job!

Man Utd Joke

2006-02-16T04:31:00.000Z

I get a lot of these, this is one of the funniest

Jan 24, 2006

A bloke on his way into work this morning came to a dead halt in traffic and thinks to himself

"Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks:

"Officer what's the hold up?"

The officer replies: "It's a Man Utd fan, he's just so depressed about losing the premiership to Arsenal last season and again to Chelsea this season, being knocked out of Europe, losing in the FA Cup final, selling out to a yank and winning naff all after gobbing off all season whilst Liverpool have won the European Cup , he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire.

He says his family hates him and his mates are all laughing at him. I'm walking around taking a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the bloke "How much have you collected so far?".

"Only about a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."

Letter to Alchohol

2006-02-16T04:30:00.000Z

Jan 23, 2006
Dear Alchohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or
necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with
cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an
eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond
me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is
completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the
proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,
aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions
& hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your biggest fan

P.S.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

Poignant humour

2006-02-16T04:28:00.000Z

Poignant humour

Makes a good point too

Jan 22, 2006

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot.

She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion, his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realised he was gone.

Morality makes us Human, Empathy keeps us Moral

2006-02-16T04:27:00.000Z

"Morality makes us Human, Empathy keeps us Moral"

this one's from me.

Jan 22, 2006

What stops us from doing things that negatively effect other people is our own understanding of what it feals like. How would we feal if someone did it to us?

That is empathy and that is the backbone of our own understanding of right and wrong.
When we are young, our right and wrong is our comprehension of what our parents and other authority figures tell us but as we mature we develop our own opinions from our own experiences.
The occasions when empathy is ignored is usually through an emense emotional reaction (the red mist), when we can completely over react to something that later on will seem so very trivial.

Do not attribute to Malice what can be explained away by stupidity

2006-02-16T04:26:00.000Z

"Do not attribute to Malice what can be explained away by stupidity"

Raymond E Feist 2003

Jan 22, 2006

This was said by the most excellent author Raymond E Feist as his signature on his mailing list.
Without Ray, I propbably would still be stacking shelves at the Co-op!

I think it means that when people really annoy you or hurt you emotionaly , you must consider that they may not have intended to effect you, they may not have even been aware or considered you. So don't hate them for it, pitty them.

People spend so much time hating and punishing arrogance when they could be curing ignorance!

Most of the time the only thing that's happened is that someone has been inconvenienced, which is irritating. But when this happens a lot emotions can build up and people can react with clouded judgement.
In my experience the majority of these events occur through people reacting to their own insecurities.
When people feal insecure they may say things to protect themselves without being able to empathise with the people around them because their judgement is clouded by their insecurity.

I adopted an Orangutan With the the WWF

2006-02-16T04:24:00.000Z

Jan 22, 2006
The other day I adopted an Orangutan for £2.50 a month.
I nearly adopted a Rhino too because there's only 500 of them left.
When I was a kid Orang-Utans where my favourite animal.
I got a little pack in the post with a cuddle monkey toy: i've called it Spanky

Apparently over in South America, Oran-Utans' habitat is being chopped down all day everyday by people who grow and harvest trees for their palm oil.
Palm oil is used in loads and loads of foods and products which we all use everyday, from health and beauty products to snacks.
Some parts of the Continent have found ways to replant and maintain small areas of the trees which keeps the Orang-Utans with a home but so many people don't care and just want the money as quickly as possible.
It makes me wonder how much the people who buy and use this palm oil know or care about this?
I could be wrong though, I haven't had the opportunity to research this properly

Developments in Learning Technology: reaction

2006-02-06T18:00:00.000Z

Well, there was sposed to be 5 of us but there were only 3. I thought I saw Adam walking past the door but I can't be sure.
Initially the idea of Learning technologies seemed a really interesting idea and something I could really get my teeth into.
Unfortunately it doesn't look like I'm going to get the opportunity as this looks to be yet another ambiguous module where I am going to have to teach myself everything!
There is a new twist though, from what I can gather, it is more about my learning than what I learn? or was it the path my learning has taken? I don't know something about my learning! either way this doesn't bode well.
I've said it before, i'll say it again:
"I went to university to be taught because I can't teach myself from books. But all that's happened is I go to a lecture we get informed of the existence of this information, methods and theories and then we're sent away to teach our selves everything we need to know for an assignment or an exam. So I might as well have gone to the library! I would have saved thousands of pounds and a lot of time and pain":
Q: How close to hypocracy is that?
Q: How are we to achieve a good grade deliberately if we cannot possibly know whether our point of view or perspective is right until we get our marks back?
Q: What is that teaching us?
eg: One lecturer said that they can tell whether someone has actually done the work or just gibbered and we have to trust in that! How are we supposed to trust people's integrity who don't tell us what on earth they want from us, inform us that they did this on purpose and then ask us to trust their judgement?
Q: is that more hypocracy?

Back to this module:
There are obviously a lot of theories that have already been published about what we will be doing but it looks like Jon wants us to draw our own conlusions...maybe...again I'm not clear. Now if nearly all of the thinking form nearly all of the angles have already been done, why don't we learn about these and then see if we can take them further or learn how to apply them? It seems a poinless waste of time to teach our selves something that has already been done, also how can that be assessed? From some angles I feel like a test subject, as if someone is assessing my learing abilities again! It makes me feel judged and oppressed, especially as I am the one paying to be taught! This is a situation I rarely react well to, I can see this module being very testing for me.
I really, really hope that this is not another module that was just a good idea but has not been thought through properly, I spent a lot of time and got really ill trying to stop that last year and the consequences were nearly very dire all round, they'd be worse this year, especially for me; damn my princaples!

On the less pessimistic side, I may, as times goes by, understand more of what this is all about and actually develop a clue of how to get a good grade "deliberately"!

Additionally I haven't read through all the blurb yet, so I may take it all back by the next entry!!!
Q: would that be hypocracy?

ps: Q: Can I be accused of liable on a weblog?

Other Bloggy sites

2006-01-25T15:31:00.000Z

Flicking around the web one afternoon, I found some quite interesting and some useful bloggy type sites.
A couple of years ago, pre-blog years, free web space was rubbish, no space, all adverts and pretty much zero functionality.
Today there's not much free webspace that's particularly special, compared to pay for domain webspace but blog site seem to give out loads of webspace and functionality!

Web Space:

Tripod.lycos.com
The best 'webspace' i found
http://www.tripod.lycos.com/
At tripod.com you get 1gb space with all the basic wizards for novices and file managers and html editors for the more expert users. It doesn't have a database but it does have a cgi bin for perl functionality. I haven't figured out how functionality is possible from this though.
My space:
http://greasytonyus.tripod.com/index.htm

Tripod.lycos.co.uk
http://www.tripod.lycos.co.uk/
This gives you 500mb, a mysql database and php capabilities. It has a lot of functionality but it all has to be hardcoded unless you use wizards but wither way you still have to know what you're doing. Also you have to get a certain amount of usage per month otherwise after a couple of bad months in a row, they delete the site.

It would be nice if you could just download a php forum and upload it to some free webspace. It would get a load of usage, because you would only do this if you have a specific reason, so the adverts would get accessed.

Blogs
A lot of these sites enable you to put tags on your pictures, posts and files etc. Just words associated with that item. It makes your pages really searchable and puts things in multiple catagories really easily.

www.Blogger.com
It's all good, being googley it's very searchable, I haven't found a lot of topicable stuff yet though.
I do like the look of the sites, the functionality is good for what it is, a blog, no more no less. Emailing the blog is really convenient and the rss is really good too. I've got three blog on the go. Two to act as learning diaries for university projects, it makes it really easy for my tutors to keep up with what I'm doing and comment and I can copy and paste it into my report at the end!
I've also got this one, which I use to add stuff on like the occasional oppinion and thing that I need to remeber.

It would be nice if people's posts popped up in normal google searches. Other blog and forum posts do, you'd think that google would want their blogs, with their adverts appearing before the rest, oh well.

Yahoo
http://360.yahoo.com/greasytonyus
Yahoo 360 is some kind of new community thing, it's got good storage on it for pictures and the blog's not bad - with an RSS feed.
As part of the profile you can add your interests in lists. You can then click on an item in the list and y360 will search the rest of the site for other people who also have that item in one of their lists. I'm not there for a date like some people, but it does help to be able to contact people who like the same things if you need. I think that's the best function of y360.
Another great function is the ability to grab rss feeds and display them on your home page, genious idea!
The photos area also links into a place called http://www.flickr.com/

Flickr
http://www.flickr.com/
This site is a god site for storing and sharing pictures. You can upload them or email them to your pages, very functional.
This site uses Tags which you add to help file and find your pictures. You can also search time entire site for pics with certain tags. Very functional and simple!

Clipmarks
http://clipmarks.com/
This is awierd one, but still really good. I think the novelty of it is also very attractive!
The site revolves around a browser pluggin which you turn on and then select parts, pictures, selection of whole web pages and store it on clipmarks, very novel, easy and functional.
I find the site itself very useful, you never know what you're going to find but there's something for everyone!

MSN Spaces
Doesn't really cut it. In the last few years msn and hotmail have slowly become less popular, from my point of view. The fact that the only way you can store you hotmails locally is using outlook, express or msn explorer is not enough. It may be part of the monopoly laws, that restrict functionality though. Still I don't get much out of msn spaces or the community so I haven't bothered with it. I have a passport, well two actually, when I first started using the internet i got a hotmail address, but now I'm a gmail man and I've hooked my gmail account as an msn passport, mainly for msn messenger usage. That is the most convenient instant msg service.

Tagworld
http://www.tagworld.com/
This is almost fantasic site, the appearance is very nice, the functionality is superb, the control over your content is superb and the community isn't half bad either. The only problem is the speed, it is very slow.
I expect trhe speed will improve as the site make more money. There aren't a lot of adverts though so it may not be quick.
It looks to have been created all in ASP.net, which explains the great functionality, but the speed is a mystery. It is a pitty though. It may be quite a new site, i think i recognise some of the functionality as the new bits in ASP 2.0 but I could be wrong.
Still the functionality is gravey. You've got pictures, music, video, blogs, files and fully customisable pages. Just what you need. It's also a community with over half a million members and counting.
The file uploading is superb. Each picture, sound, video or other file has a permanant url, so you can link to it from elsewhere as well as within your own tagworld pages. This is a rare function and well worth taking advantage of!!!
Overall thumbs up, if only it were quicker.
heres my space

Exams

2006-01-25T14:01:00.000Z

Independant Property law and IT
Thu 26 Jan 13:00 CH 2hrs 10m+ CI335 IPR and IT
Thursday 26th Jan
Cockroft hall @ 13.00. (1pm)
10 mins reading time then 2hours writing
OPEN BOOK - nice action!

Data Management
Mon 30 Jan 15:00 CG 3hrs+ IS343 Data Management
Monday 30th January
Cockroft Gym @ 15.00 (3pm)
3 hours.
THREE fucking hours of writing gibberish, that means we get out at 6pm, wankers!
I'm going stright to the fucking pub after that!!!

Evo Creatures

2006-01-24T17:57:00.000Z

I did a little table for the Evo creature enhancements

you can view here
or
you can download here

------- edit ------------------------------
these links are dead, it turns out that i got wrong!

blogger links

2006-01-19T16:22:00.000Z

How do I edit my link list?

Many of Blogger's default templates have a link section in them already. To see it, log in to your blog and then click on the Template tab. Scroll down through the code until you see something like this in the sidebar section:

Google News

Edit-Me

Edit-Me

You can see there are a few links already in there to get you started. You can delete or edit these as you like. You can also add as many more links as you want.

If you have a template without a links section, you can simply copy the code above and paste it into your template. You'll probably want it in the sidebar, perhaps next to the archives or previous posts list.

To change a link, paste its URL in place of "http://EDITME" in the above example, or in place of one of the default links that comes with your template. Then change the "Edit-Me" text to say what you want to appear on your blog. Finally, save your changes and republish your blog.
Notes:

For more information on what you can do with links, please see How can I do more with links?

Mafia boss saintz advice

2006-01-18T18:44:00.000Z

Suggestion:
I don't know if it's a good idea but it might be worth spending tomorrow building up defenses and attack units ready for the last two days. It would be nice to really hit the Custos_Cohors family before the end!
- Tonight + Tomorrow
spend turns hiring only: Thugs'n'body guards & Hitmen'n'hustlers.
spend turn collecting only from the many Hustlers you should have from the hiring.
Then spend money only on drugs'n'booze and guns!
It may be worth getting just over a 1000 bootleggers to produce the booze that the Hustlers will consume. You'll have loads of thugs anyway to make coke and weed.
This will boost your defense to make you a lesser target, which is a priority. This will also mean that you get attacked less and keep more men.
It may also be an idea to buy some limos on the way for when we wipe out Tiburon proprly.

Mafia Boss Pics

2006-01-17T17:17:00.000Z

Mafia boss msg

2006-01-11T13:19:00.000Z

Mafia boss msg: 11/01/06

if you want to attack some one then u should try to attack someone in these families.

Smart

Eastsiders_Pimp

West_Coast_Angels

InZane_LeGion2

West_Coast_Says_FA-Q

Skidmark_United

Bell

Loon-igans

The_Business_2

WestSideConnection3

uml tool

2005-11-28T13:54:00.000Z

JVISION tools

2005-11-28T11:28:00.000Z

too for making uml diagrams, should be free!

Question1 - OO variation2 tutorial

2005-11-24T15:34:00.000Z

Tutorial on Variation II
Richard Bosworth
November 21, 2005
Aims
• to explore the ways in which variation can be expressed in designs
• to give practice in using the Default, Flyweight and Singleton patterns
• to encourage the student’s creativity in designing interfaces
Scenario
A new game is being produced which runs onWindows, Unix and Mac platforms.
For each platform there is a Beginners and an Advanced version.
Exercises
In the following exercises, do not write code. Draw UML diagrams, or just give
the method specifications (method signature and pres/posts).
1. The advanced game has 42 different kinds of warrior, who can each use a
selection of 10 weapons together or in combination. There are 14 levels of
play, each of which can take place in eight different environments. There
can be thousands of warriors in any one instantiation of the game.
Nevertheless, all the warrior’s attributes are either fixed for that type of
warrior or dependent on which weapon he or she is carrying and which
environment he or she is currently battling in.
Decide on an appropriate design for the warriors, and sketch the interfaces
and classes you would use to implement it.

I had a go at part of question 1, here it is, how does it look?
i didn't do all the wierd little pointer endings on the links right but they're a little trivial to me at the moment, as I can't get the gist of it anyway, i'll do it right once I know what i'm doing.

ActiveCool AC4G Socket 478 Powered solid-state cooling system - PC Nextday

2005-11-12T13:26:00.000Z

ActiveCool AC4G Socket 478 Powered solid-state cooling system - PC Nextday

Quality cpu fan, £23.78 from pc next day

New Blog

2005-09-15T19:43:00.000+01:00

Started blog today!

GreasyBlog

Other things you can do with Coca Cola

Cowboy Boots

Good Looking Day

YMCA

Legend of Frank

Monkey in a Bar

Couple's Diary Entries

The Magician & The Parrot

THE HIT MAN

German England Fan

Kiss Goodnight

Charades

Look through the corner of your eye

Lone Ranger

Ray Feist's Magician goes Comic

Post to Del.icio.us new window

Wierd Serenity Song

Spot the difference

haloscan

Quote From NCIS series 1

political pill

The finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...

Marriage (Part II)

Marriage Part I

WOMEN STRIKE BACK !!!

Men Strike Back

BEER/WINE MATHEMATICS

Eight Words with two Meanings

The Husband Superstore

Wedding Joke

Love YOUR JOB??

Man Utd Joke

Letter to Alchohol

Poignant humour

Alphabet

Antimatter, Einstein Modified!

Learing Development: Teaching vs Propaganda

Cool free Developer software

Real Life Monsters???

Steve Irwin on the Endangered Coconut Crab

Wiki-Def

COCONUT CRABS

The Husband Superstore

Wedding Joke

Love Your Job

Man Utd Joke

Letter to Alchohol

Poignant humour

Morality makes us Human, Empathy keeps us Moral

Do not attribute to Malice what can be explained away by stupidity

I adopted an Orangutan With the the WWF

Developments in Learning Technology: reaction

Other Bloggy sites

Exams

Evo Creatures

blogger links

Links

Mafia boss saintz advice

Mafia Boss Pics

Mafia boss msg

uml tool

JVISION tools

Question1 - OO variation2 tutorial

ActiveCool AC4G Socket 478 Powered solid-state cooling system - PC Nextday

New Blog